I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize