if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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