She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
