I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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