im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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