Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
where does the pee come out of this thing
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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