im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
