i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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