So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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