hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just high enough for therapy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
