I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
