It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize