just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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