I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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