i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
