Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
