My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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