Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
