You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
