I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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