the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
