mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
