i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
