i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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