the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
