I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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