I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
