So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
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She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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