when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here