I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.