Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
worst night to have a conscience
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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