i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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