I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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