I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
