Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
