She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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