I haven't been this sober since birth.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
