Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
