If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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