If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
