New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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