She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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