good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
