I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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