Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
