1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
