What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
