apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
