u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
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i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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