Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
