i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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