well most of my day revolves around power hour
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
