In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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