My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
