so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
