Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
